My Piece for Authority Magazine: How to Learn to Finally Love Yourself
As a part of our series about “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself” we had the pleasure to interview Maria Leonard Olsen.
Maria Leonard Olsen is an attorney, podcaster, author, journalist and TEDx speaker, based in Washington, DC. She graduated from Boston College and the University of Virginia School of Law and served as a political appointee in the Clinton Administration. Learn more about Maria, including her latest book, 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life, and TEDx Talk, “Turning Life’s Challenges into a Force for Good,” at www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com.
Thank you so much for joining us! I’d love to begin by asking you to give us the backstory as to what brought you to this specific career path.
Iwent straight to law school immediately after college because my immigrant mother wanted me to become a doctor or a lawyer. I fainted when I saw blood, so she pressured me to pursue law. Because I did not know what I wanted to do for a career, I became a lawyer. It definitely pays well, but my writing, public speaking and mentoring are more passions for me. I am grateful that I can pursue several different jobs simultaneously.
I took time off from practicing law to be an at-home mother, and am so grateful that I had that opportunity. I became a journalist and author at that time. After I became an empty-nester, I returned to practicing law and also continued work as a writer of books and articles, a public speaker, podcaster and mentor to women in recovery.
Are you working on any exciting new projects now? How do you hope that they might help people along their path to self-understanding or a better sense of wellbeing in their relationships?
I am writing a book about the unexpected consequences of DNA testing. I found out, via a DNA test I was given by a corporate sponsor of a conference at which I was speaking, that the father who raised me is not my biological father. The discovery upended my life. I have interviewed hundreds of people who have experienced DNA test surprises, and I hope to help people navigate this fraught terrain, as well as to consider the serious potential legal consequences attendant to these tests.
I want people to understand that they can claim their own identities, to a large extent. I also want people to believe that they do not have to be defined by the acts of others, even if those people are their parents.
Do you have a personal story that you can share with our readers about your struggles or successes along your journey of self-understanding and self-love? Was there ever a tipping point that triggered a change regarding your feelings of self-acceptance?
I wrote about blowing up my life at age 50 when I got divorced, got sober from alcoholism and was living alone for the first time in my life. My story is captured in my book, 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life, as well as in my TEDx Talk, “Turning Life’s Challenges into a Force for Good.” As a gift to myself for my 50th birthday, I decided to try 50 new things to determine how I wanted to live the next chapter of my life. These things included spiritual endeavors, adventure travel, lifestyle changes, thrill-seeking ventures, social activities and more. Each taught me something about myself and helped me to love and accept myself more. I also learned to appreciate that I had to experience valleys in life in order to fully enjoy the peaks. Every person and situation has the capacity to teach us something if we are open to the lesson.
According to a recent study cited in Cosmopolitan, in the US, only about 28 percent of men and 26 percent of women are “very satisfied with their appearance.” Could you talk about what some of the causes might be, as well as the consequences?
I believe that media, including social media, can exacerbate our insecurities. It is important to remember that most people post only highlights, not the difficulties in their lives, and that appearances can be manipulated easily on all types of media. Comparison is the thief of joy, so we need to resist comparing ourselves to others. Each of us, as part of self-care, needs to appreciate that we are perfectly imperfect humans, and to practice acceptance. We can change what we can, but must accept what we cannot change. Otherwise, we will likely become mired in anxiety, depression and sometimes worse.
To some, the concept of learning to truly understand and “love yourself,” may seem like a cheesy or trite concept. But it is not. Can you share with our readers a few reasons why learning to love yourself it’s truly so important?
Our lives are happening right now. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. Why waste time worrying about things we cannot control? Why not use the gift of each day to love yourself and to spread love and make the world better because you are here?
The most common regrets of people on their deathbeds include that they did not allow themselves to be happier. Happiness stems, in large part, from self-love, or at least self-acceptance.
And one’s energy is contagious. If you want those around you to be happier, spread joy. Work on yourself so that you can exude more positive energy. If you cannot muster up self-love, maybe you can become more positive for those you love, like your family. Find a supportive friend or group who can love you until you can love yourself. Do esteemable acts to raise your self-esteem. You have the ability to change the course of your life.
Why do you think people stay in mediocre relationships? What advice would you give to our readers regarding this?
Accepting mediocrity may have to do with feeling one does not deserve better. Or it may be complacency or lack of energy. Not doing anything is a choice, but not often the best one. It can be a trap.
I believe it is fruitful to take inventory of one’s life at regular intervals. Some people do this at New Year’s, with resolutions. Take action to change what you can if you are not satisfied. Each day, you are given another chance to create a great life. Don’t waste it.
When I talk about self-love and understanding I don’t necessarily mean blindly loving and accepting ourselves the way we are. Many times self-understanding requires us to reflect and ask ourselves the tough questions, to realize perhaps where we need to make changes in ourselves to be better not only for ourselves but our relationships. What are some of those tough questions that will cut through the safe space of comfort we like to maintain, that our readers might want to ask themselves? Can you share an example of a time that you had to reflect and realize how you needed to make changes?
When I went to rehab, we were forced to answer tough questions. I was forced to deal with childhood trauma that I wanted to forget and held secrets for decades. Secrets can make you sick. Not dealing with my trauma was like holding a beach ball under water. It took a tremendous amount of psychological and emotional energy, and it would pop up unexpectedly at times when I was triggered. Until I could deal with my trauma, I could not fully understand why I behaved in certain ways. So ask yourself whether you have fully processed your traumas. Trauma can come in many forms. Denial compounds the problem.
So many don’t really know how to be alone, or are afraid of it. How important is it for us to have, and practice, that capacity to truly be with ourselves and be alone (literally or metaphorically)?
I used to loathe being alone because then my thoughts would intrude. I spent much of my early life running from self-reflection. I stayed chronically busy so that I would not have to be introspective. It was exhausting and ultimately made me ill.
Taking time alone to reflect and re-energize are crucial components to living a healthy, authentic life. Sometimes it is helpful to have a therapist to facilitate this process. Journaling also has helped me a great deal with processing my thoughts and experiences, and looking back at old journals helps me to appreciate the progress I have made and how certain things I worried about were a waste of my time and energy.
How does achieving a certain level of self-understanding and self-love then affect your ability to connect with and deepen your relationships with others?
One cannot be an optimal partner, parent, friend or colleague if one is pouring from an empty cup. Put on your oxygen mask first, i.e., take care of yourself so that you can be of service to others. If you practice self-love and self-care, you are better equipped to be in healthy relationships with others. Until I dealt with my problems, I could not be emotionally available in a balanced way with my partner, for example.
I have found Al-Anon to be extremely helpful in teaching me how to have appropriate boundaries and better relationships and communication with others. My Al-Anon sisters loved me until I could love myself. And they helped me understand that I was responsible for my own actions and my responses to others, but not what others choose to do. We can only control ourselves and we are no one else’s Higher Power.
In your experience, what should a) individuals and b) society, do to help people better understand themselves and accept themselves?
I think we should de-stigmatize mental health care. Many are still afraid of it and worried about what others will think if they go to therapy. But seeking help is a sign of courage, not a lack thereof. I think everyone can benefit by talking things out with another human. Because therapists are trained to help, they are often the best choice. Therapy has helped me to understand a great deal more about myself and to accept myself.
I am proud that my 25-year-old son, Chris Olsen, is helping to de-stigmatize therapy for young people. He has more than 11 million followers on TikTok and often posts clips of his therapy sessions in an entertaining way. He is being recognized this fall by the U.S. Surgeon General‘s Medallion Awardees for Health celebration for his work in this regard.
Here is the main question of our discussion. What are 5 strategies that you implement to maintain your connection with and love for yourself, that our readers might learn from? Could you please give a story or example for each?
Find something to believe in that is bigger than yourself. Some people find that in organized religion. Some find it in a different mode of spirituality. Knowing that we are part of something much bigger than ourselves can help us want to contribute to the greater good and, hopefully, to take care of ourselves as well. Entering recovery, especially by practicing the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and Al-Anon, helped me practice giving my life over to the care of something bigger, to make amends and take responsibility for my actions, to take regular inventories of my life, to work on my character defects and to pay it forward to others. We need to recognize that who we are and what we do matters.
Practice gratitude. I think of three things for which I am grateful every day, from the profound to the prosaic. Even remembering that I am lucky to be able to walk, see, hear, and have access to medical care and clean water, helps me to adopt an attitude of gratitude. When I feel myself losing sight of gratitude, I volunteer. Volunteering sometimes can help us not to grow complacent and to appreciate our blessings, while helping others who are less fortunate. When I got separated, I volunteered in a school in Nepal, high in the Himalayas. The people there had scarce food, and no running water or electricity, yet were the happiest people I had ever met. They taught me so much, including not taking my many blessings for granted.
Do acts of self-care every day. I give presentations to organizations on self-care in which I cover spiritual self-care, physical self-care, emotional self-care, mental self-care and social self-care. Self-care is multifaceted and all types are important. For example, if we do not take care of maintaining our social connections, our well-being will suffer. Multiple longevity studies show that having strong relationships with others is a major factor in life satisfaction, less stress and longer lives. Loneliness can kill people. My friends provide me with a great deal of support through the worst times in my life. I even invited my close friends to be with me the day my ex-husband got re-married because I knew I would be sad and did not want to be alone that day. I created my own marriage ceremony to myself, and my friends were the bridesmaids. I said vows to myself for my future life and relationship with myself. It was so affirming. Sharing joy increases it, and sharing your pain can cut in in half.
Talk back to the negative thoughts in your head. Ask yourself if what you are thinking is really true. I used to catastrophize, but stopped that harmful tendency. Our brains are elastic. We can form new neural pathways with positive internal dialogue. I was introduced to this scientific fact during re-hab. The counselors made us say affirmations every day to ourselves in the mirror and aloud to the group. At first I thought this was silly, but after 45 days of saying affirmations, I started to believe them. My affirmations include that I am learning and growing every day, from every situation.
Find creative outlets. When I was a child, I loved to paint. I did not make time for painting as an adult until after I got sober. Creativity is good for one’s mind and can be an emotional outlet. I even have been able to sell some of my work. I attended a retreat that emphasized the importance of play. I understand that now. If we can elicit the childlike wonder and joy we had before we noticed the world’s judgments and accepted society’s pressures, we can be much happier. Part of contentment for me today is caring less about what other people think. I no longer give so much of my power away. And I make time for fun, even if that means scheduling it.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources for self-psychology, intimacy, or relationships? What do you love about each one and how does it resonate with you?
Don Miguel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements changed my life. It taught me not to take anything personally. Most of the things others do have nothing to do with me. It also helped me learn the importance of clear communication of my desires and expectations. I used to expect others to read my mind and know what I wanted. I do not do that anymore. As a result, my relationships have improved.
Martin Seligman’s books on positive psychology also were instrumental in helping me to reframe my mindset into a more positive way of receiving the world. And Viktor Frankl’s Man’s Search for Meaning underscored how everything can be taken from you but your ability to choose your attitude in any given situation. This book taught me how to respond with thought, rather than to simply react to situations.
I do a podcast called, “Becoming Your Best Version.” Every week, I interview a woman who has inspired me. The final question of each episode is: What do you do to become your best version? Rarely do I receive the same answer. My podcast has helped thousands of people with tips on how to improve their lives.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? Maybe we’ll inspire our readers to start it…
A kindness movement. If each of us did even one act of kindness a day, think of how wonderful our world could be. Reach out a hand to another. Pay your blessings forward. We are only here for a short time.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote” that you use to guide yourself by? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life and how our readers might learn to live by it in theirs?
“No one can make you feel inferior without your consent,” was one of Eleanor Roosevelt’s most famous quotes. We need not give people power over our lives by allowing them to dictate our feelings. Each of us is responsible for our own happiness. If we pay more attention to how we feel about ourselves than what other people think of us, we will experience more serenity in life.
Thank you so much for your time and for your inspiring insights!
https://medium.com/authority-magazine/maria-leonard-olsen-on-how-to-learn-to-finally-love-yourself-37983260e3f7
