Piece I Wrote for Kuel Life on Sharing Your Children with a Stepmother

I do not want to share my children with their stepmother. I realize, though, that I have no choice in the matter.

Change is hard for everyone. I do not want to make it worse for my kids.

My friend counseled me to consider that there is enough love in the world and that more people loving my children is a good thing. It took me a while to come around to this way of thinking.

How Sharing Children With A Stepmother Can Lead To Unexpected Healing:

Susan, of Charlottesville, Virginia, took a much more reasoned approach. “Sharing my kids with a stepmom has helped me to let go of the fantasy of control I had over them,” she said. “Many adults will have an opportunity to influence my children as they grow up. I can’t always be there, and that is okay.”

My children are now adults, which makes things easier. They are independent and do not live with their parents. So the blended family aspects mostly come into play only around holidays and major events in our lives.

The first few holidays were tough. I envied the time my children were at their father’s house. I had to get over that. One thing I did was to plan an out of town Christmas celebration with my children. The past two years, we have celebrated Christmas in early December, meeting at beautiful resorts. It took the pressure off of them having to go from one house to the other on Christmas day. And their father and I do not live near one another.

It does not fit my idealized version of what Christmas should look like, but it made all of us feel more at ease. I am doing my best to create new traditions and joyful memories for my children.

Breaking The Cycle: Protecting My Children From The Pain I Lived Through:

I had volatile relationships with my stepmother and stepfather. After my father died, I stopped speaking to my stepmother because of her behavior when my father was dying. I wish to avoid her toxicity. My stepfather was abusive, so I distanced myself from him. He passed away several years ago

Of course, I do not wish bad relationships upon my children, with anyone. I keep my mouth shut about their stepmother, as well as about their father. 

My father told me negative things about my mother. Hearing those things was unnecessary and damaged me. My children are wise enough to make their own judgments. They live far from us and spend little time with their parents.

“The most important thing since separating and divorcing from my ex (and becoming part of a complicated blended family) has been to focus on myself and my health,” Susan says. “Taking care of myself has helped me be more present and supportive when my kids are with me.”

The Unhealed Parts Of Myself:

Acknowledging that I was uneasy with my children having a stepparent helped me examine the unhealed parts of myself that needed attention. The more healed and centered I can be, the better my relationships with my children become.

Susan recognizes that “it is not an easy path to parallel parent with a high-conflict ex and his new wife who seems reluctant or afraid to communicate. Even so, I am grateful they have a stepmom. My daughter has another female in the house when at her dad’s. My kids have an extra grandma and grandpa and cousins. These are silver linings to our family changes.”

I, too, have tried to see the benefits of our new family dynamics. My children’s father is a solid guy, with abundant resources. He tries to do the right thing by his children. I hope he did a prenup with his new wife but, alas, that is not something I can control. I would like his money to go to my children instead of to his wife if something happens to him. We shall see.

Acceptance Is The Answer:

My ex-husband, his wife, my partner and I are all civil when we see each other, which is a blessing. While we are not exactly friends, we all do our best to make things pleasant and easy for all those involved.

I considered trying to become friends with my children’s stepmother. I do not have much in common with her, and like to be intentional about my time, so I let that idea go. She has not reached out to me, either.

Acceptance really is the answer, as it is with most things. No matter what, I realize that I, alone, am their mother. No one can take my place. Or yours.

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About the Author:

Maria Leonard Olsen is an attorney, author, radio show and podcast host in the Washington, D.C., area. For more information about her work, see www.MariaLeonardOlsen.com and follow her on social media at @fiftyafter50. Her latest book, 50 After 50: Reframing the Next Chapter of Your Life, which has served as a vehicle for helping thousands of women reinvigorate their lives, is offered for sale on this website.